I had a dream the other night. It was a pretty insane dream, which is no different from all my other dreams. People talk about lucid dreaming. This never happens to me, no matter how crazy, or how many zombies are chasing me, it all seems relatively normal while I dream. But in the dream I want to being up, besides the irrationality of the plot, something very unusual happened. Aliens were attacking earth, it was just like a scene out of "War of the Worlds" and I was hiding in a house. I could see the Aliens through gaps in the window shades. Suddenly an Alien tuned its attention toward the house, as if it knew I was looking at it. I didn't turn away in fear, I watched. It seemed the aliens were attempting annihilation, and I knew what would happen next as he blasted my house (with what? I have no idea.) I thought as it was happening, "this is it", I'm going to die." Yet, all the time I watched, the aliens and the blast, I was completely unalarmed. It was amazing. I knew I didn't want it to be happening yet, I had no emotional attachment, no fear. And as the house blew up, it happened in slow motion, and I was just thinking, "Wow, I'm dying, this is what it feels like to die, it's happening" I felt good. I was excited. I wanted to die, I wanted to see what was next. I felt myself open my arms and reach for death, and as cliche as it sounds I saw a light. I didn't see a tunnel or figures, just light and then it was gone. I was on the floor of a ruined house, I was dusty but still alive, still whole. I'd never experienced anything like that before.
Death seems so far away, so inconceivable. People have talked about having no faith in God until someone they loved died. I at first thought, but wouldn't that make not want to believe in God. God lets all these terrible things happen, he let your loved one die? But thats not the reason, people begin to believe in God. When their loved one dies they want to believe that the person will be living on somehow, that they will see them again. My grandmother is dying. I've never experienced the death of a person I knew. I'v only known life, I've never seen a body, cold, spiritless. How can you accept that someone is dying, and dying forever, moving on to an eternal nothingness? To think that there is more after this, that there is more of all that is good here, gives me peace.
I am not religious, nor am I a non believer. But, I would like to believe that the best of this world; love, individuality, learning, inspiration, creativity, truth, goodness, beauty, happiness, is what we will find after death. My grandmother may die. But maybe this is okay. I've been thinking a lot about death. It's easy to know death is real, but it's not easy to truly understand death. If there is something beautiful next, something more after we die, than it is not a sad thing, but more of a... letting go. My mother said that her grandfather didn't believed in an after life, or a God. Then when death was coming for him as he got older, he began to speak to God. "God, I really hope your out there. I don't know what I was thinking not believin' in you."
I find it hard to believe that this is it. We all deserve forever to become the best beings we can be. I don't claim to know what is true metaphysically. I have no faith which tells me what to believe. I am curious, unyieldingly curious and a little afraid, but to know the truth is worth giving up any preconceived notion. I like rationality, although life is many times irrational. Yet, if I were to use reason, it seems to me that if love can live on forever, than why not a human spirit. At the same time what do I know about love. I just know that Life is so illogical and magical, I wouldn't be surprise if there is something just as mystical and extraordinary beyond it.
"Grandma, I'm excited to see and feel what comes after this life and I'm excited for you, too." We are so young relative to eternity. In that respect my grandmother is hardly older than me. In the face of eternity, we are equals, with forever to experience, and learn and get to know each other.
