Colored Sand

I miss being a little kid, so happy, so in the moment, so untroubled. Life has now become much more confusing and sometimes a little aggravating. But life is a good friend of mine and if I look from her perspective, Life has always been loving. The thing is, Life can only see things from the larger perspective and being human (so very much so) I find it hard not to view things from a shallow perspective. She only sees the strength I have gained from each loss. Aren't a few temporary tears worth a permanent confidence and motivation.  Life also knows me very well, better then then I know myself and when I loose view of the grander perspective or loose track of whats honest she bangs me over the head with truth. Recently, after spending more time with my friend, we can call him Johnny (the friend I shouldn't have kissed), I said to Life, "Life, I have no feelings for Johnny other then loving him as a friend, in fact I'm glad we are only friends, very glad!" Life laughed and said oh my dear, don't lie to yourself, that is not the way to resolve your infatuation with this boy, if that is what you desire. But I did not want to listen, instead I stubbornly deny her accusation. But no sooner had I done so did I find myself sitting next to Johnny alone at night engaged in friendly conversation, both of us covertly inching closer to the other on a blanket we had lain out under the stars. It had started out so innocently. I have known Johnny for a long time and many times over the years have had to convince myself that my attraction for him was childish and limited. I only liked him because I felt lonely or because he was so admired by those around me, my feelings were stimulated by wrong reason. Yet now I was lying next to him, my hand on his chest wrapped in his warm fingers and he was implying that he wanted to kiss me. If I was truly happy to be just friends, I had more then enough reasons to stop the interaction. He is not quite out of his failing relationship yet, he is my best friend, and I'm leaving the state in a month, for good. But non of these rational reasons got me to pull away, it was the fact that I didn't know if this was simply a lustful, impulsive desire or if he had deeper feelings for me. But still I wanted to kiss him. "I don't want to do a bad thing." I said. He smiled and told me it wasn't a bad thing. One should never believe a man in throws of lustful impulse but I was easy to convince, to easy. Yet I had to ask one last thing "Do you really like me?" I don't exactly remember what he said, something like "isn't it obvious." Not quite the answer I wanted but I'd take it. I relaxed and he kissed me and kissed me and kissed me... He took me like a bottle of colored sand and shook me. I hadn't been able to decide what I really felt about Johnny so I layered my different emotion (attraction, disdain, admiration, detachment, friendliness) in side me, like layers of different colored sand in a bottle. I had organized the sand so carefully, putting the safest feelings on the surface, covering up the ones I didn't want to feel. I forgot all reason, I was floating in a happy, silly, little bubble; a Johnny bubble. All my colored sand jumbling up together into one big mess. After some time he began to emotionally pull away then he asked if I needed to be home soon. It was 2am but still I said "No." I told him foolishly "I don't ever want to leave. Can't we just stay here forever?" But then I had to ask "Do you need to go home?" He said yes. I was shocked and my heart started to sink, and I felt immensely foolish. He said he had a family matter and I didn't know whether I should believe him or not. My happy bubble now in danger of popping. He took me home and despite myself I hoped to hear from him the next day, but he didn't call, nor did he the next day nor the next. When I finally did see him again he asserted that the kiss had been a mistake. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to cry but he was right, not that it was a mistake but that it wasn't rational and shouldn't be repeated. I had also been the very one who had encouraged him to decomplicate his life and experience himself unshackled by a woman, and I had meant it. Most importantly I love Johnny I don't want to lose his friendship. So I  could do nothing but nod and secretly cry out to Life "okay so you made your point but what good is it now?" All my colored sand has become horrifyingly muddled and confused. And now because of my curse I will surely be getting sick soon!! (As a did a few days later) But even in my anger toward Life she answered with love, don't worry, good will come.

staff must wash hands

I was in the bathroom of Borders the other day when I noticed a sign on the wall near the sink. The sign read Staff must wash hands. Now the implications of this sign really bother me. Firstly it bothers me a great deal that any staff members, potentially stationed in the cafe, needs a reminder to wash their hands after using the bathroom! I mean really, how hard is it to remember to wash ones hands, you can't be that lazy... Well I guess we are in America and the inventor of the automatic sink turner on sensor thingy obviously thought we, Americans were to lazy to turn on our own faucets, but on a side note I honestly feel that all the waving one must do in order to get the thing to actually turn on seems like a lot more work then turning a nob. Anyway, secondly this sign also causes me to beg why hand washing is only demanded of the staff...I personally feel a bit disturbed that whomever felt it was necessary to put up that sign didn't feel the message was important enough to include everyone in its request, how about everyone wash your hands? What is this world coming to? We can't turn faucet nobs and we need signs to tell us to keep sanitary. I am over reacting a little, I know. Other then that I'm quite in love with Borders. A borders near us just closed and it had an interesting effect. I visited this Borders at the end of its life and in it's bathroom the walls were covered with mournful graffiti. we love you borders, we will miss you. Its closing was like a symbolic remind of pleasure reading's slow demise. In some ways the future does scare me, because I see us universally losing some of our humanity and personality. Technological evolution is important but so is social evolution. We are losing our imagination quicker, why read when you can watch...We are less inclined to personal contact, we text, we get inline for the self check out, we sacrifice relationships for more money or time. We are obsessed with time and the future; one can't stop to enjoy the moment because one doesn't have time! But I must ask WHY? 

spilt milk

I cant quite grasp life. Every time I think I'v got a handle on it, it slips right out of my fingers. I picture a grocery bag  filled with different happenings and situations. One to many and the bag rips, spilling the contents all over the tiled floor. eggs break and milk spills, and sometimes you can't help but to cry over it. But you can always count on life to surprise you! I'm experiencing new things every day, can't say I would have wished for them but they bring humility and understanding. Just recently I found out my mother had cancer, and she laughed when she told me "so darling, its cancer." I also kissed my best friend, we both agree that it was not for the best, he's just out of a relationship and he's my best friend, yet I selfishly and immaturely want more from him. I told him the other day I was upset with his "it was a mistake" reaction, even though I had agreed with the statement earlier. I don't know what I feel & now I am afraid I have made more of a mess in our friendship. He has me so befuddled (oh but what a great word). The latter problem is not so much unprecedented for a teen but it's new to me and at a rather horrid time. Yet on the upside that experience gave me a chance to use the word befuddled and allows me to question myself and my feelings for him. Oh and I forgot to mention I am quite sure a 25 year old virgin boy I care a lot about, in somewhat of a sisterly way, is falling in love with me. Now that one is quite surprising indeed, surprising I was even able to find a 25 yearold virgin.
So now all I'v got to do is pick up the groceries, put them carefully back in the bag, and mop up the mess.

skivvies alert

I saw an old man in costco the other day, quite past his prime, advanced in years, antique. This old man was standing or wobbling near the king-size bagel crisps and kettle chips, lightly salted. He was in his underwear struggling feebly to get some pants on. As I walked pasted and caught a glimpse of his tidy whities and hairy white legs, startled I ask "is that lawful?" At my words my mother turns to look at the old man. "ooop!" she says turning away quickly. I laugh. Then she laughs asking "what is he doing" then in a whisper she inquires whether I think he had just decided to get some fresh air or if he was trying on some pants. "I hope the latter" I reply. Costco should really get some dressing rooms. Life is so strange and painfully comical. Usually we don't see it that way but it seems to me that the universe is constantly teasing us. So why not just laugh along, cause the universe surely is.
I will, fortunately for you save the  strange and painfully comical intimate details of my life for my next post. Except I shall share with you that I am cursed. Boys make me sick. If I kiss any boy I am doomed to catch a cold in the very near future.