Colored Sand

I miss being a little kid, so happy, so in the moment, so untroubled. Life has now become much more confusing and sometimes a little aggravating. But life is a good friend of mine and if I look from her perspective, Life has always been loving. The thing is, Life can only see things from the larger perspective and being human (so very much so) I find it hard not to view things from a shallow perspective. She only sees the strength I have gained from each loss. Aren't a few temporary tears worth a permanent confidence and motivation.  Life also knows me very well, better then then I know myself and when I loose view of the grander perspective or loose track of whats honest she bangs me over the head with truth. Recently, after spending more time with my friend, we can call him Johnny (the friend I shouldn't have kissed), I said to Life, "Life, I have no feelings for Johnny other then loving him as a friend, in fact I'm glad we are only friends, very glad!" Life laughed and said oh my dear, don't lie to yourself, that is not the way to resolve your infatuation with this boy, if that is what you desire. But I did not want to listen, instead I stubbornly deny her accusation. But no sooner had I done so did I find myself sitting next to Johnny alone at night engaged in friendly conversation, both of us covertly inching closer to the other on a blanket we had lain out under the stars. It had started out so innocently. I have known Johnny for a long time and many times over the years have had to convince myself that my attraction for him was childish and limited. I only liked him because I felt lonely or because he was so admired by those around me, my feelings were stimulated by wrong reason. Yet now I was lying next to him, my hand on his chest wrapped in his warm fingers and he was implying that he wanted to kiss me. If I was truly happy to be just friends, I had more then enough reasons to stop the interaction. He is not quite out of his failing relationship yet, he is my best friend, and I'm leaving the state in a month, for good. But non of these rational reasons got me to pull away, it was the fact that I didn't know if this was simply a lustful, impulsive desire or if he had deeper feelings for me. But still I wanted to kiss him. "I don't want to do a bad thing." I said. He smiled and told me it wasn't a bad thing. One should never believe a man in throws of lustful impulse but I was easy to convince, to easy. Yet I had to ask one last thing "Do you really like me?" I don't exactly remember what he said, something like "isn't it obvious." Not quite the answer I wanted but I'd take it. I relaxed and he kissed me and kissed me and kissed me... He took me like a bottle of colored sand and shook me. I hadn't been able to decide what I really felt about Johnny so I layered my different emotion (attraction, disdain, admiration, detachment, friendliness) in side me, like layers of different colored sand in a bottle. I had organized the sand so carefully, putting the safest feelings on the surface, covering up the ones I didn't want to feel. I forgot all reason, I was floating in a happy, silly, little bubble; a Johnny bubble. All my colored sand jumbling up together into one big mess. After some time he began to emotionally pull away then he asked if I needed to be home soon. It was 2am but still I said "No." I told him foolishly "I don't ever want to leave. Can't we just stay here forever?" But then I had to ask "Do you need to go home?" He said yes. I was shocked and my heart started to sink, and I felt immensely foolish. He said he had a family matter and I didn't know whether I should believe him or not. My happy bubble now in danger of popping. He took me home and despite myself I hoped to hear from him the next day, but he didn't call, nor did he the next day nor the next. When I finally did see him again he asserted that the kiss had been a mistake. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to cry but he was right, not that it was a mistake but that it wasn't rational and shouldn't be repeated. I had also been the very one who had encouraged him to decomplicate his life and experience himself unshackled by a woman, and I had meant it. Most importantly I love Johnny I don't want to lose his friendship. So I  could do nothing but nod and secretly cry out to Life "okay so you made your point but what good is it now?" All my colored sand has become horrifyingly muddled and confused. And now because of my curse I will surely be getting sick soon!! (As a did a few days later) But even in my anger toward Life she answered with love, don't worry, good will come.