Share a Secret

Share a Secret

So far my blog has been about sharing my secrets and personal convictions and  judgments about life. My boyfriend and I talk about psychology and often reflect upon the lives of others. What would my life be like if I were that old lady pushing her cart into Von's, if I were that man taping his finger against the steering wheel, stopped at a red light. At first glance most of us seem normal, tolerating life just fine. The mass majority of the people we meet will only ever reveal their superficial qualities. What would life be like if we were instantly able to see inside those we saw walking down the street, or those serving us our morning coffee? Would we realize there is a lot more going on inside others then we thought? Would we realize  we are not alone in our fears and secrets? Would we become traumatized by the intensity of other people's emotions? Would we become more compassionate, patient and introspective?

No doubt it would be overstimulating and scary hearing the secrets of everyone you met. Yet, hearing the secrets, the sad and wonderful, does give us perspective, unity and insight. LIfe's mistakes and bloopers can be humorous and of course sad but they bring us humility. No one is perfect, even those who seem so on the surface. 

I would love to encourage others to write and share their talent and ideas. I want to start a collection of contests on this blog. If followers assist me in starting this goal I will be able to offer prizes and an audience for novice writers. I am not going to ask for a fee nor can I offer a prize for the first contest, but I will post my favorite entries on my blog with comments and encourage others to comment. 

I would love for people to assist by comment about my prompt, on prompts that interest them, on winning entries I post and  desired and tempting prizes.

My first prompt is flexible. I require you write about a secret or yours, it can be humorous, sad or inspiring. It can be written as an essay, hidden in a fictional short story, or represented by a collage of pictures and words. All entries must be 200-700 words. Don't paste entries into the comment section. Please send entries to creativewcontest@gmail.com. In the subject please write "secret contest entree". Please share your secrets and express your talent. 

Happy?

Being human is interesting. I can be an extremely positive person. At times I can be incredibly excited about life and what I'm doing. When I'm in bed trying to sleep, my mind buzzes with creative ideas that (would obviously change my llife!!) and I become very thrilled and self-important, thinking I'm brilliant and I can do anything.
I love that feeling, but it never works out the way I envision. My ideas are usually much harder to do than I think, they don't work out the way I hope, or else I don't get around to finishing or making them happen. I can quixotic but in turn I can also be very pessimistic. In this blog I am usually in a positive animated mood when I create a post. I guess no matter who you are, there will be down times. It is amazing how good it feels to feel creative and positive. Yet, when I am depressed, its not that easy to jump out of it. I'll notice that I'm feeling awful, negative and moody, I'll think, Gee... this sucks, but I still can't climb right out of it, ironically self-pitty is almost  an addictive state even though it feels uncomfortable and exasperating. In that state nothing seems like it will work, creativity seems foolish, everything around you seems annoying. Emotions are interesting phenomena. The contemporary psychological theory of motivation suggests that we are primarily motivated by emotion. Humans are the only organisms which have such complex and self-consious emotions; guilt, pride, self-doubt, embarrassment, hopelessness. Often we don't even know why we are experiencing the emotions we're feeling. Sometimes we allow an emotion to exaggerate whatever small thing triggered the anger or despair.

 Some people have much more reason to cry, become disheartened or give up, yet we are all human. Even wealthy, healthy, fortunate people have volitive chemicals playing around in their brains. All humans have emotion and have sensitivities. All humans experience feeling stressed, disappointed, lonely and lost. It is important to recognize that no matter how rich or poor or powerful, we are all human, and for the most part we all feel pain. It is  tremendously  hard to have compassion for those who are arrogant, selfish and those who complain when they are so obviously privileged. I believe that all humans no matter who or where you come from desire happiness and those who are wealthy and  grandiose have just as much trouble finding true happiness and retaining it as do those struggling to make ends meet. We are in the same boat, the pompous jut don't realize that, "lasting happiness" cant be bought, embezzled or lobbied.

liFe iS oDd

How does the universe work? Not long ago I opened up to my boyfriend about some crazy theories I have. Some may not feel they are crazy but for those who are not in on the secret... Well, anyway I gave him a taste of the ideas and beliefs that I have come to hold. I said, you may not believe in a God, or greater power (he doesn't), but I think that Life works in a much more meaningful way then you realize. I think that life can bring you what you ask for. I think that things may happen not only by chance but for a reason. This of course brings up a whole load of questions. Why then do bad things happen, I didn't ask for terrible things to go wrong.

My boyfriend has bipolar disorder, of course the man I choose and am falling absolutely in love with has mental issues. I tell him if you were not so weird and odd, then you would never be able to keep up with me. Sure bipolar sucks but babe, if it weren't for that you wouldn't have become who you are today and I fell in love with who you are today. Yet, he still has a ways to go before he becomes as positive as me. This idea that life gave us gifts, that happenings may have reasons was hard for him to accept. I told him, I don't imagine that everything in life was meant to be for some personal reason, or maybe for any reason at all. Some things do just happen, its the law of nature, as one action happens a correlating response will automatically result. What I mean is that when we put out energy (the action) a correlating response will occur. Positive energy brings a positive response. Energy is a real and motivating force. Even in science we know matter cannot be destroyed yet it can change form, for example into energy. Energy can also change form back into matter. It is a cycle that is scientifically proven, yet we never imagine that it's a process human beings can use for our own benefit. Giving will result in others giving back to you. Hurting will result in your own pain. It's a kind of karma, but impersonal. Life is not deciding, "Joe, you were lazy at work today, and your taste in clothing sucks, I think I'll send you some bad luck." Also we cannot stop the results of other peoples thoughts and what energy they send out. Life or God if you believe in that sort of thing, do not decide it's time for a country to go bankrupt or a child to starve, or % of killings to rise, these are acts of human action and thought. We try to blame God or Life but if it were all up to him then we would have no free will at all. I do believe we can bring about positive occurrences just by a positive attitude but we still must choose to feel positive. We are all made up of energy when it comes down to it, us, matter, water, money, TV's... so is it really that hard to believe that energy can affect the way things interact with us. I feel I have brought many positive things (good grades, cheap car, job, my odd boyfriend, good parking spots) in to my life by being positive. My bipolar boyfriend was finally coming around to the issue, until he lost his job, got kicked out of his house, and caught my cold. Then he as many have before him uttered "why is this all happening to me, whats up with your universe!" I laughed, and said I don't know but its all going to work out. Sometimes I doubt my theory, maybe everything is just random and meaningless. But I'm probably right! Sometimes we can't see the big picture when we're standing so close to the obstacle in front of us, we cant see over or around it and begin to wonder if we can ever get past it... but if we just step back a bit the smaller the obstacle will seem and the way around it will soon become apparent. Sometimes we can only see the good after the situation has passed. And sometimes we just have to accept that we were putting out some negative energy which attracted more negativity. Struggling against what has already happened wont help, finding the positive is much more fun, even if my theory is BS. So here I am being positive for the both of us... sending out specific positive energy... I will place my order to Life from her catalogue of possibilities.

*My wonderful boyfriend, who is undoubtably a gift from life, will have great luck. Life is going to work out okay...beautifully. He has a new job, an excellent job that pays well, happens to be a good social setting, and gives good benefits. He has an awesome girlfriend who is totally HOT!! An't he lucky? He is living at home again (true). He smiles all the time now (he should, it makes him look much sexier). He is doing well in school and feels confident about life. He is going to get into Berkeley (duh!) I have high standards. I will find a new job (doesn't a girl deserve a bit more than min wage?), a perfect fit for me while I work hard and get impressive grades. Positive financial opportunities will open up for us (mmhmm!). Oh and I am returning to my perfect goal weight, old jeans I'll  get you out of my closet again ( I am a woman, of course that goes on the list). Thank you, Life. For all this and all the amazing things you have already provided me.

Happiness shouldn't fleet

Sometimes what you feel is so hard to describe to another person. One thing I love about writing (good writing) /narrative is that it can bring an outsider into the story and feelings of someone else. While you are reading another persons story you are able to truly step into their shoes for a while. Good writing can cause emotions and understanding. I'd love to be a writers, to communicate complicated and deep concepts. It seems the most efficient way to express a difficult or unwanted idea across is through humor. Humor, intellectual humor is one of mans most evolved abilities. Life should not be taken seriously. Honesty and truth are funny. All a comedian has to do is point out a bit of humanity and we all start cracking up. In turn humor helps us to accept truth. There are many things in life that feel horrible that seem hard to handle but when we are able to laugh at them they automatically become less of a struggle. LIfe is a joke.

 Acceptance seems to be the key to true happiness. If we accepted everything that happened in life then there would be no struggle. We hear this idea all the time. Religious people preach acceptance. Psychiatrists speak of acceptance. Hollywood movies romanticize self acceptance. Yet we don't really believe it do we? Society is telling us through commercialization and expectation that we are never good enough. We always need the new iphone, we always need to keep up with the new trend, we always need to have the better degree, we need to graduate quicker, we need to make more money, we have to follow the newest most spiritual teacher, we need to be thinner... Life is never good enough for us. Im not saying that we shouldn't strive for more or continue to grow or do better for ourselves. I just hope that we can learn to enjoy the journey forward. I hope more of us will understand the journey to the pie in the sky is just as enjoyable if not more. We can be happy with where we are at the moment and still keep improving. My boyfriend recently lost his job, he struggles with depression and admitted to me that before meeting me his default attitude was unhappy. He told me he had always been striving to do well in school, get to a prestigious college and find a high paying job. He doesn't enjoy the process but would feel like a failure if he stopped. He never considered that it was supposed to be enjoyable, it was just a means to an end. I told him this was an awful way to look at it. Life is the journey if we don't make the journey enjoyable, if we don't remember that the journey is also incredibly important you will realize to late that you never lived. It mystifies me that he has never had these thoughts before but I am glad that I could put them in his head now, even if he doesn't change right away. I'd rather be happy than rich I said. Of course I don't plan on having to choose one over the other. :) I believe I can have whatever I desire, but Im sure as hell going to enjoying getting to wherever I end up! Happiness shouldn't fleet.

in loving contemplation...

We have evolved in so many positive ways in the past decade. We have evolved technologically, scientifically and civilly, but have we evolved emotionally? Both men and women have become more emotionally liberated but I feel not all the effects are great. It seems we have trivialized love. This is coming from a person who doesn't know what love really is, well at least I don't know what it is to be in love with a man. Love is this amazing phenomenon, something that nobody can describe or prove yet somehow most of us all believe in it. Yet we don't treat it with much respect. We call other things by its name, we confuse it, use it liberally and blame awful things on it. This only makes it harder for younger people like myself understand love or trust it. Some part of me wants to find true love. In novels it's described as a connection that last a lifetime, a match that feels right from the moment you meet the person. It is described as accepting someone and wanting them even knowing their deepest secrets. Other people say you can't tell your loved one the whole truth if you want the relationship to work. You hear teenagers making out on a bench whispering "I love you". People say love is caring enough to give up your own happiness for that person. Of course others say that love will only end up in hurt, that it is awful and unforgiving. My boyfriend told me he loved me the first time we had sex and two weeks later broke up with me. I hadn't believed him at the time, I was afraid to, and I had guessed that he probably wasn't in the right mind at the time. Later he told me that he was sorry but he never did love me. That was the only time I ever wanted to tell someone I loved them…I thought maybe I did love him. I wanted him so much. Maybe the fact that he didn't want me had more to do with it than love. Or maybe losing my virginity had something to do with it, who knows? This just makes love so much more confusing and caused me to fear the word, to fear ever saying it or even implying it to other boyfriends. It makes me wonder if love even exists. How can I ask if love exists if I don't even know what love is. Love is just a word, without definition it doesn't mean anything. In fact love really has no definition, just a couple million years of connotation. To me love is like the last fairy tale I can't help believing in. I fear it but I can't stop hoping its real. To me love is finding someone who matches you mentally and emotionally. Its being physically and intellectually attracted to them. Wanted to make love to them as much as you want to sit in silence with, just to feel near them. Love is being able to want a person without being attached to them. It is feeling safe with a person, safe to tell the truth and be yourself. Love is growing along with a person, growing from each fight and each conversation. Love is giving to each other without needing to take. It would be wanting, not needing somebody. 

Hollywood movies romanticize love. The entire movie will lead up to the coming together of two beautiful people, but once they declare their love for each other the movie ends. Although, our grown-up-movies don't end with the words "happily ever after" anymore, they still imply it. What happens after the honeymoon part  is over? We seem so obsessed with the catch but aren't so good with the commitment. I don't know. I hope true love does exist, and I hope to someday to find someone who truly loves me. I hope that as a society we don't forget that there is a greater love possible.

What do you think love is??    

searching for the truth...

I had a dream the other night. It was a pretty insane dream, which is no different from all my other dreams. People talk about lucid dreaming. This never happens to me, no matter how crazy, or how many zombies are chasing me, it all seems relatively normal while I dream. But in the dream I want to being up, besides the irrationality of the plot, something very unusual happened. Aliens were attacking earth, it was just like a scene out of "War of the Worlds" and I was hiding in a house. I could see the Aliens through gaps in the window shades. Suddenly an Alien tuned its attention toward the house, as if it knew I was looking at it. I didn't turn away in fear, I watched. It seemed the aliens were attempting annihilation, and I knew what would happen next as he blasted my house (with what? I have no idea.) I thought as it was happening, "this is it", I'm going to die." Yet, all the time I watched, the aliens and the blast, I was completely unalarmed. It was amazing. I knew I didn't want it to be happening yet, I had no emotional attachment, no fear. And as the house blew up, it happened in slow motion, and I was just thinking, "Wow, I'm dying, this is what it feels like to die, it's happening" I felt good. I was excited. I wanted to die, I wanted to see what was next. I felt myself open my arms and reach for death, and as cliche as it sounds I saw a light. I didn't see a tunnel or figures, just light and then it was gone. I was on the floor of a ruined house, I was dusty but still alive, still whole. I'd never experienced anything like that before.

Death seems so far away, so inconceivable. People have talked about having no faith in God until someone they loved died. I at first thought, but wouldn't that make not want to believe in God. God lets all these terrible things happen, he let your loved one die? But thats not the reason, people begin to believe in God. When their loved one dies they want to believe that the person will be living on somehow, that they will see them again. My grandmother is dying. I've never experienced the death of a person I knew. I'v only known life, I've never seen a body, cold, spiritless. How can you accept that someone is dying, and dying forever, moving on to an eternal nothingness? To think that there is more after this, that there is more of all that is good here, gives me peace. 

I am not religious, nor am I a non believer. But, I would like to believe that the best of this world; love, individuality, learning, inspiration, creativity, truth, goodness, beauty, happiness, is what we will find after death. My grandmother may die. But maybe this is okay. I've been thinking a lot about death. It's easy to know death is real, but it's not easy to truly understand death. If there is something beautiful next, something more after we die, than it is not a sad thing, but more of a... letting go. My mother said that her grandfather didn't believed in an after life, or a God. Then when death was coming for him as he got older, he began to speak to God. "God, I really hope your out there. I don't know what I was thinking not believin' in you." 
I find it hard to believe that this is it. We all deserve forever to become the best beings we can be. I don't claim to know what is true metaphysically. I have no faith which tells me what to believe. I am curious, unyieldingly curious and a little afraid, but to know the truth is worth giving up any preconceived notion. I like rationality, although life is many times irrational. Yet, if I were to use reason, it seems to me that if love can live on forever, than why not a human spirit. At the same time what do I know about love. I just know that Life is so illogical and magical, I wouldn't be surprise if there is something just as mystical and extraordinary beyond it.

 "Grandma, I'm excited to see and feel what comes after this life and I'm excited for you, too." We are so young relative to eternity. In that respect my grandmother is hardly older than me. In the face of eternity, we are equals, with forever to experience, and learn and get to know each other. 

I feel flirty

I'm growing up. I've been waiting to be a woman, and I guess I am one now. Well...I haven't exactly been waiting, with my fingers taping impatiently, it actually kind of snuck up on me. But, its so fun that I get noticed by men. Yes men! I mean when did men start seeing me as an attractive woman, instead of a cute little girl. Its great. Boys are fine, but they aren't men. I was just walking back from the coffee shop (because I am always coming back from a coffee shop) where a tall, nice looking man began to flirt harmlessly with me. I couldn't stop smiling at myself, an the fuzzy feeling I had.

I can make men nervous.  I'm very excited, a whole new specie is open to me. Men being its own specie of course. There is a definite difference between men and boys. Men are of course more mature, usually more courteous, better at the flirting thing, less arrogant and are better conversationalists. Of course they are still "men", and there are men who are still boys but I'm talking about the grown-up type men. I feel so adult! I love flirting. I love life, its curious, mischievous and exciting.

have a little faith

you can't drink a sip until you drink half a sip and so on... thats philosophy as it concerns all those who love their coffee.  

I have never been so excited about life. ok, so one hiccup, I haven't been writing much...well at all since I started school. I love writing more than almost anything but I've just been to busy. Yet, one very good thing I've gotten from these past months, I realized I do love to write. I could almost go as far as saying I want to be a writer. Yes, I have a ton to learn about writing and I need much more practice but its amazing to realize you might actually have a knack for something. Fingering out my future before college definitely was not my knack, and I even took a somewhat impulsive semester off. When I was in high school (class VP, honor roll, yearbook editor) I look like I had it together, and at the end of the year when I got up in front of my classmates proclaiming that I'd decided not to go to college right away (being the only one to do such a thing) my classmates quickly took that to mean I was pregnant. My teachers adamantly advised me to change my mind about this, "you have such promise" they said, "if you don't go right away, I'm afraid you'll never go!"Wow, with few words I went from being a put together young woman to pregnant and unmotivated. Have a little faith people! I think we all should have more faith. Faith in ourselves and in Life. We think if we don't do this or that, if we don't plan and predict our life will fall apart. I don't have anything agains planning if thats what makes you happy, but I think doing what makes you happy is the most important thing. Believe that life will all turn out. IF you let it, it will. I strongly believe this, as long as you make choices based on your own happiness. I am in school, I have a good job, I have a car, I have a home and several people have shown up in my life to encourage my writing. I go to the gym at least 5 times a week and I've never been so interested in doing homework. Three months ago I had no idea where my life was heading, I had nothing and no plan. Now I have so much, life is generous. Even the horrible times are a gift for growth.  

I just can't stand that...

I love when your pants fit a little looser then the last time you tried them on.
I just can't stand it when you're shopping and you've finally found the shirt you want but they don't have it in your size.
I love when you wake up and look at the clock and see you have another hour to sleep.
I just can't stand it when you go to a fancy restaurant and order an entree of crab cakes with a side salad (thinking "that should be a filling but light choice") and get served a single, tiny crab cake in the middle of decretive, inedible  floral.
I love when you're feeling shitty but a hot shower is all that's needed to put you right.
I just cant stand it when you find the typo after printing out a dozen copies and using spell check. (nothing against spell check, I love you spell check!)
I love when your friend knows exactly what point in your heart break to bring over the pumpkin pie and sappy movies.
I just can't stand it when you walk into a public bathroom and all of the stalls have something wrong with them (out of order, clogged, broken lock, out of toilet paper.)
I love when the cute guy sitting across form you in the cafe smiles when he notices you were staring.
I just can stand that calories make you fat and sex makes babies.
I love the cheese cake factory
I just can stand when your looking in the fridge and you cant remember why, then you realize you were looking for a fork.
I love hot drinks and fire places in cold weather
I just cant stand when you see someone waving and your not sure if you know them so you wave just in case, then realize they were greeting someone behind you.
I love all the Starbucks holiday flavors.
I just cant stand that Cinnabon smells ten times better then it tastes.
I love that there are so many different kinds of people.
I just cant stand that time flies when your having fun, but dawdles when your bored.
I love laughter and I love when I can make others laugh.

I love life, I love the many wonderful things about life, which we usually take for granted, I even love the things I cant stand. Why? because we seem to learn the most from the tough stuff. The not so good stuff causes us to invent and create new things, to appreciate the good stuff, to forgive, to understand others and ourselves, and of course they make us stronger.