Good Morn

GOOD MORNING! Its strange growing up. I'v officially left the coop. Well okay, I moved into my dads house, but I'm thousands of miles from the home I knew. My toes are chilly, My computer is now bookmarked with listings; cars for sale, and help wanted adds. I was awaken this morning by my dad's fluffy white polar bear. My dad's dog, sugar bear (rightfully named), she is an old pyrenees, and the biggest fluff ball I've ever seen. I'm sipping coffee from an enormous cup, and watching morning news (My fathers before-wrok-ruteen), its so much fun! Coffee, coffee, coffee. I don't know why I love it so much, but it seems to taste even better when your toes are numb and your fingers need coffee-mug-warming. 

Moving is odd, I feel almost as if I don't live anywhere at the moment. I guess it's like starting new, new job, new dad, new car, new friends, except all the weight you've gained comes with you. My butt has gotten much to0 large for my liking, but hopefully, I will start to exercise more just as I had promised myself, "as soon as I leave I'll stop eating cookies. Ah its okay next month I'll lose those ten pounds!" hah. right. Now its thanksgiving, the stuff your faces holiday, whats a girl to do? Well thats Life. Anyway...

What is being grown up supposed to feel like? Sometimes I forget that I'm getting older, I'm 18 and that seems much to old. Not to long ago I saw something that really opened my eyes. I haven't seen many of my friend from high school since graduation. The night before leaving state, I saw one of the girls I new well, and she was pregnant, very round, pregnant! I know it happens all the time, but It never happened to someone so close. I wanted to shout at her "what did you do? Its been like two days since I last saw you, how are you pregnant!" but I didn't. She was the kind of girl you can imagine might get pregnant young, she was from mexico and had a hard time fitting in, and didn't have much guidance. We were very close all through freshman and sophomore year, and then I just left her. I didn't leave her really, but somehow I leveled up from my lame status and became somewhat popular, and we didn't have any classes together. I should have been a better friend. I didn't judge her at all for being pregnant, I felt over whelmed by love for her, I wished I had been a better friend, encouraged her to have a full life before having a baby, I wish I could have taken her with me, I wished that I could at least be there to help her raise the baby, be there for them both. I can't imagine being a mother, I'm independent and mature, but I'm still just a child. But this experience reminded me that I am growing up. Life showed me what being a good friend could mean. You can change someones life if you don't give up on them. Hopefully life will show me a cheap car for sale, and a great job as well! Happy Holidays! :)

Super mom

I remember the first time I saw my mom as a person. Until then of course I thought she was just a mom, born a mom, always a mom, put here on earth to be my mom, a super hero, who changed dippers, had eyes on the back of her head, mind reading abilities and the power to cure any hurt with a kiss and Winnie the Pooh bandaid. Suddenly I was staring at this woman, so much bigger then me, such a huge part of my world, and I saw that she was not just a mother. I saw that the world wasn't revolving around me, it was incredible, I felt like the world had flipped and I literally saw everything upside down. The black and white tiled floor of the Foodland bakery was swirling above my head. It scared the hell out of me. I could no longer blame her for not being perfect, no longer expect her to always be right, because she was just a human being, just as messed up as the rest of us. Its much more comfortable to see her just as a mother, but its much more fun, interesting and satisfying to see her as a woman, no different then me.

Over and over we put people into categories or stereotypes. Why do we not see everyone as human beings? Recently I have become frustrated that people judge me by my age. I am guilty until proven innocent. Guilty of being an immature, superficial teenager of the 21st century. Life's way of helping me to understand worse stereotyping and inequality, in a small way. It is okay that we sometimes judge others by appearance, or age, or category, it is human nature. And since it is happening it must be okay. As Life has assured me, everything that happens, should happen, because it has. Life works in wise ways most of us can't understand but we should never worry because she has control over everything. But why is it in our nature to judge? I don't know. Honestly I don't know if it is our nature or it is learned, but I believe it is fear that causes us to judge others...or anything different from us. The important thing, I think, is to allow yourself to consciously look deeper into everyone, past their masks or steryotypes and past your initial judgments.

Beautiful words

What is the difference between words and poetry? 

Words are wholly inadequate at speaking divine truth,

Yet divine truth can be whispered from between the lines

Heard in the spaces separating each word 

of poetry.

I am Intrigued by beautiful words.

I am fascinated by beautiful poetry.

I am In love with beautiful experience.  

  

a small dose of arrogant jerk

I just went to the doctors with my mother to see if she needs chemo. I am very pleased to say that she doesn't, though it took the doctor about a year to explain why chemo wouldn't be good in her case. I had Kimo once, but in my case, Kimo was a boy who left me crying on the floor, eating pumpkin pie and watching Friends, in an effort to console myself. I could say that I wished I never had Kimo, but I'd be lying. If not for him I would never have gotten so furious at his arrogance and the jerk he became right before dumping me, and I would never have decided my goal in life was to show him I was too good for the idiot anyway! It gave me quite a lot of motivation actually. -how to get motivated? I'd recommend a small dose of arrogant jerk, then a bit of hurt personal pride-. well I became a new person (literally) but what I really ended up discovering was that I had never felt good enough for myself, and that is what had to be changed. I would never be the driven, compelling, secure, silly and somewhat cynical girl I am today without him. This is where I came up with my theory to trust Life, no matter what painful or crazy situation she throws you into, it will be okay, and if your wiling to recognize this, it may even be for the best. I believe things happen for a reason, but sure, sometimes Im not too excited about the situation itself. For instance, my moms cancer, or Johnny not calling back after I confronted him about our kiss (he wasn't too crazy about being reprimanded, all he could say was he didn't understand why it was such a big deal!), or gaining 20 pounds in the last year (not to much fun either)... I wont go on because I'd rather talk about the happy things. I'm much to addicted to laughing to be pessimistic for to long, no matter how much I'd like to dwell in my misery at times.

My mom's cancer got me to stay in the state a month longer, it allowed me to spend halloween with my family. It tested my trust of life, of God (if you believe in that sort of thing) and my fear of death. In the hospital we met with a long lost relative who just happens to be in an awful marital situation, with tears in her eyes and no friends to turn to, and there we were; two smiling faces whom would stand by her no matter what. In the case of Johnny, well hell, at least I got to kiss a gorgeous asian, after a free dinner and coffee. And if we can get through the sticky situation, we'll only come out closer. The 20 pounds, well I was a 108 pounds before I gained the extra bit, and 5'7, so it didn't hurt much, especially since I enjoyed the cookies, ice cream and french toast (which were so helpful with the gaining) so much, and I actually don't mind that I have a butt once again.

That whole orange thing...

Life is quite excellent  at teasing me, and damn it, she keeps tripping me up over my own words. Sometimes I think I have glimpsed some incredible realization, awareness, an epiphany of sorts. I have so many deep questions I want to ask, and for moments I think I'v found some answers but soon enough I forget these new found revelations or I become aware it is what most adults have been trying to get me to understand for years. Oh I get it, I don't have to let everyone around me dictate my mood! That is so profound! Oh so, Life isn't supposed to be fair!

I guess there are just some things that humans must relearn over and over with each generation. Our brains may have developed and our hight increased with the evolution of man, but we still must make our own mistakes, we still need life to hit us over the head with reality before we start to believe it. But I'v come to the conclusion (from all my deep questioning and from all that practice I'v had at living for my 18 years) that experience is the most wonderful thing on earth and may be the reason we are on this maddening planet anyway. If you don't experience you can't understand things at a deeper level or you simply can't understand them at all. Its that whole orange thing, if you have never tasted an orange, no description of an orange's taste can even come close to the pleasure of eating one (if you like oranges that is, if not then use the same metaphor with something else, to each his own), But you get the point. Someone can tell you something directly and clearly but to you they would sound like just another silly adult from the Peanuts comic (incomprehensible).

I can't stop laughing at myself for never failing to think I know so much more then I do, which is nothing. The first step in knowing everything is to first realize that you know nothing. I have no idea what that means, but at one point, in one of those moments of revelation, it had made perfect sense. So there you go, you have to experience it before you understand. "Im so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde.  I think...what I meant was that in order to learn everything, you must first be willing to know nothing (do some cleaning, move all your knowingness out) or else you will not have any place to put the everything you so desperately want to know. Does that make any more sense, who knows.  In fact, I don't have many friends at the moment because I think I have scared away most of my peers with all of my nonsensical talking and musing. Do you believe in fate? Have you ever been suddenly happy for no reason at all, so happy you feel like you might have just fallen in love with Life, the world and everyone in it? The looks I get are enough to make me want to swallow my words and burst out laughing. I feel a bit insane but thats alright I tend to think people are much to sane, much to often.

Oh dear, I am not at all sure what this post is supposed to be about, Im sorry. I'll be sure to be more focused next time, but I have so much in my head sometimes it comes out a bit scattered.

free your inhibitions

Why do we love children so much? Because they are the purest form that humanity takes. Children are beings without any indoctrination. Children are intrinsically happy for no reason but because it is there nature, it is all they know. Suffering is grand because it allows us to experience non suffering as something in reference to another thing, in other words it allows us to be grateful for, and experience truth, beauty and goodness at such a higher lever. But unfortunately we don't only take the good from suffering and leave the bad, most of us take it all, the guilt, the doubt, the anger, the insecurities, the cynicism. We learn to doubt that happiness should be our natural state, we think it must be earned. Yet children who have not yet had the chance to hold on to guilt, doubt, anger, cynicism are the proof and verification that happiness and freedom from all inhibitions is our truest and most beautiful nature. :)    

Inspiration for this post - please watch :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHLywCfnHI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QyxvUmtL40

You know your quite human if...

In my last post, Life said to me don't take yourself so seriously. I like this idea and so I'd like to devote this post to that motto. It is so easy to take ones self serious, in fact we do it all the time. You get mad or frustrated at yourself all the time for things but thats just silly cause your just too human not to make mistakes, big and small ones. Its actually quite arrogant to be hard on yourself for a error. To think that you are are so perfect that you shouldn't do things wrong (or at least things you consider to be wrong). Now thats just kooky! Life says, all those things we do, that seems so wrong or stupid or hurtful, well they are just reminders that you are human, just as much as the next guy. Being human is a trial in itself, but that doesn't mean you cant always try your best but don't expect perfection, just hope for it.

You know your quite human....

 if you have ever lied to make yourself seem cooler

if you promised to only have one bite of pie but finish of the entire piece

if you have ever disliked someone just because you were jealous 

if you have cried over spilt milk

if you ever felt so embarrassed you wanted to melt into the ground as if you never existed

if you ever laughed when you wanted to cry

if you have felt sorry for yourself

if you have  ever wanted something irrational

if you have ever made someone else suffer for another person's actions

if you ever laughed so hard you peed a little in your pants

if you made a mistake and blamed it on someone else not present

if you didn't call someone back, or waited much to long hoping somebody else would call you back

if you judged someone by their appearance 

if you forgot for a few seconds how to spell your own name

if you ever fell for someone you shouldn't have fallen for

if you have blamed God for the world's problems

if you have tripped over your own feet

if you don't understand love

if you have mistaken like or lust for love

if you have mistaken love for hate

if you have traumatized your children in some way or another

if you have played hooky 

if you lied to get out of doing something

 if you have stolen a cookie out of the cookie jar

Can you hear Life laughing

I recently heard a quote "At the end of the day we realize we can endure much more then we ever thought possible" this is so true. Life knows this better then even we do. I have finally grown up enough now to see that suffering is Life's gift. I had always thought that picturing pain as a good thing was just something one said to the young in order to make life seem less awful. But Life is not awful, she, with the help of experience do everything they can to help us grow up. I also love the quote "you know you have grown up only when you are able to laugh at yourself." I asked life if we must always suffer, I asked if evolving always has to be so painful. She said Gad, no my dear, the trials will never cease but your suffering can, if you would all just stop taking Me so seriously. If you would all just stop taking yourself so seriously. If you listen you will hear me laughing with compassion at  the superficial and the grave way you perceive Me. Laugh with Me, and never stop.

I had so many more questions but Life hushed me and said I will tell you more but first I want you to trust me and let my proposal guide you in your trials at hand and then you tell me if I have misspoken. "Are you saying to laugh at my problems, and which problems do you speak of?" I ask Life. Yes Life answered, do not let them make you suffer, and I speak of your mothers cancer, the sadness in your heart you think is caused by Johnny and whatever else you see as a problem. "But aren't they problems?" They are whatever you choose to see them as.

My situation with Johnny, my best friend who had kissed me, bringing up attraction for him I'd forgotten I'd had, the situation ending in him admit it had all been a mistake. I guess it was sort of silly. His actions and words had hurt me but I was much luckier then him. I was the one who got to be kissed and didn't have any regrets. Of course he didn't like me as I liked him but why must we expect something for giving love, love should be free. He must be doubly confused as I, so I should laugh at my selfishness. He is perplexed about how he feels in general and about me, where as I know how I feel about him. If he wants to be a silly boy and let a beautiful, wonderful girl like me get away then so be it. All that matters is that I love me. So I can continue to love him as a friend no matter what he chooses to do. It is freeing.