Cold Breath

I can see my breath.
sometimes an ordinary, everyday moment can be magical. I realize its something inside us that makes everything outside seem bad or good, it just depends on how we look at it. The other night it was so cold I could see the white puff of my breath. It surprised me! I have never been in weather this cold. I looked up at my big brother and I gave him my biggest smile and twirled around. Then I said "look! I can see my breath!" like an excited little girl who finally mastered a trick she had been working on for days, a cartwheel or a whistle. He laughed at me, because I was being silly, but why not. Why have we stopped enjoying the simple things in life. lets stop expecting life to bring us gifts, lets be thankful for the ones she has already given us.
Yeah that all sounds good but it ain't that easy. Sometimes you realized you married the wrong man, sometimes you feel alone in the world, sometimes your lost and you don't want to stop feeling hurt, you want to fall to your knees and wait for someone else to save you. Well maybe thats okay sometimes too. Many times I have rejected happiness so I could indulge in self pity and hurt. I just try to remember that everything is always okay, and that if we don't take things so seriously, we can survive anything. Life will only stop serving you, the moment you give up hope. No matter what happens to you, it is only your self pity and inability to forgive that will stop you. Stop stressing, let life take care of you, I promise she will. Try putting on some music and smiling, for no reason! happiness for no reason is the best kind, happiness because it is so cold you can see your breath and because you have a warm cup of HoCho (hot chocolate) in your hands, well thats the second best kind. We are ALL just humans, lost in our own way, all needing to be loved and all wanting to be happy. Take a moment to become aware that you are alive! You are alive, now what are you going to do with that life?

Wonderer

I have become a wonderer. I have no job, no friends, no car, and no school yet. I love being in a new town where I don't know every other person I walk past. No body knows me and I love it! I am looking for a job but I don't mind that I have nothing to do for a while. I'm very excited to start anew. I'm very excited to see what job Life will bring to me, and how handsome and sweet the man Life will set me up with next. I sure hope he wears glasses, I hope he's smart, funny, gotta be funny, sweet, mature, damn its hard to find a mature man, and possibly resembling Robert Downy Jr (I definitely wouldn't mind that!). Hey Santa could-ja please work on that for me. I'll be reeeeal good.

 I also wouldn't mind a real nice job too. So the streets here in Encinitas are called A St. B St. C St. etc.. and 1st street, 2nd street etc.. yeah real creative, but easy to remember I guess. In my wonderings I've found a cute little cafe called E street cafe. It's real sweet and comfortable, I'd recommend it t anyone in the area. Well I asked if they had any job openings and they said bring in your resume. Despite its un innovative name, I'd love to work there, so yay me!! My sisters fiance, whom works at 24 hour fitness also said they have openings (maybe that will help me get in shape, good job Life!)

Things I've seen as I wonder

We don't have pinecones in Hawaii

       

can you see the face

E street cafe

Good Morn

GOOD MORNING! Its strange growing up. I'v officially left the coop. Well okay, I moved into my dads house, but I'm thousands of miles from the home I knew. My toes are chilly, My computer is now bookmarked with listings; cars for sale, and help wanted adds. I was awaken this morning by my dad's fluffy white polar bear. My dad's dog, sugar bear (rightfully named), she is an old pyrenees, and the biggest fluff ball I've ever seen. I'm sipping coffee from an enormous cup, and watching morning news (My fathers before-wrok-ruteen), its so much fun! Coffee, coffee, coffee. I don't know why I love it so much, but it seems to taste even better when your toes are numb and your fingers need coffee-mug-warming. 

Moving is odd, I feel almost as if I don't live anywhere at the moment. I guess it's like starting new, new job, new dad, new car, new friends, except all the weight you've gained comes with you. My butt has gotten much to0 large for my liking, but hopefully, I will start to exercise more just as I had promised myself, "as soon as I leave I'll stop eating cookies. Ah its okay next month I'll lose those ten pounds!" hah. right. Now its thanksgiving, the stuff your faces holiday, whats a girl to do? Well thats Life. Anyway...

What is being grown up supposed to feel like? Sometimes I forget that I'm getting older, I'm 18 and that seems much to old. Not to long ago I saw something that really opened my eyes. I haven't seen many of my friend from high school since graduation. The night before leaving state, I saw one of the girls I new well, and she was pregnant, very round, pregnant! I know it happens all the time, but It never happened to someone so close. I wanted to shout at her "what did you do? Its been like two days since I last saw you, how are you pregnant!" but I didn't. She was the kind of girl you can imagine might get pregnant young, she was from mexico and had a hard time fitting in, and didn't have much guidance. We were very close all through freshman and sophomore year, and then I just left her. I didn't leave her really, but somehow I leveled up from my lame status and became somewhat popular, and we didn't have any classes together. I should have been a better friend. I didn't judge her at all for being pregnant, I felt over whelmed by love for her, I wished I had been a better friend, encouraged her to have a full life before having a baby, I wish I could have taken her with me, I wished that I could at least be there to help her raise the baby, be there for them both. I can't imagine being a mother, I'm independent and mature, but I'm still just a child. But this experience reminded me that I am growing up. Life showed me what being a good friend could mean. You can change someones life if you don't give up on them. Hopefully life will show me a cheap car for sale, and a great job as well! Happy Holidays! :)

Super mom

I remember the first time I saw my mom as a person. Until then of course I thought she was just a mom, born a mom, always a mom, put here on earth to be my mom, a super hero, who changed dippers, had eyes on the back of her head, mind reading abilities and the power to cure any hurt with a kiss and Winnie the Pooh bandaid. Suddenly I was staring at this woman, so much bigger then me, such a huge part of my world, and I saw that she was not just a mother. I saw that the world wasn't revolving around me, it was incredible, I felt like the world had flipped and I literally saw everything upside down. The black and white tiled floor of the Foodland bakery was swirling above my head. It scared the hell out of me. I could no longer blame her for not being perfect, no longer expect her to always be right, because she was just a human being, just as messed up as the rest of us. Its much more comfortable to see her just as a mother, but its much more fun, interesting and satisfying to see her as a woman, no different then me.

Over and over we put people into categories or stereotypes. Why do we not see everyone as human beings? Recently I have become frustrated that people judge me by my age. I am guilty until proven innocent. Guilty of being an immature, superficial teenager of the 21st century. Life's way of helping me to understand worse stereotyping and inequality, in a small way. It is okay that we sometimes judge others by appearance, or age, or category, it is human nature. And since it is happening it must be okay. As Life has assured me, everything that happens, should happen, because it has. Life works in wise ways most of us can't understand but we should never worry because she has control over everything. But why is it in our nature to judge? I don't know. Honestly I don't know if it is our nature or it is learned, but I believe it is fear that causes us to judge others...or anything different from us. The important thing, I think, is to allow yourself to consciously look deeper into everyone, past their masks or steryotypes and past your initial judgments.

Beautiful words

What is the difference between words and poetry? 

Words are wholly inadequate at speaking divine truth,

Yet divine truth can be whispered from between the lines

Heard in the spaces separating each word 

of poetry.

I am Intrigued by beautiful words.

I am fascinated by beautiful poetry.

I am In love with beautiful experience.  

  

a small dose of arrogant jerk

I just went to the doctors with my mother to see if she needs chemo. I am very pleased to say that she doesn't, though it took the doctor about a year to explain why chemo wouldn't be good in her case. I had Kimo once, but in my case, Kimo was a boy who left me crying on the floor, eating pumpkin pie and watching Friends, in an effort to console myself. I could say that I wished I never had Kimo, but I'd be lying. If not for him I would never have gotten so furious at his arrogance and the jerk he became right before dumping me, and I would never have decided my goal in life was to show him I was too good for the idiot anyway! It gave me quite a lot of motivation actually. -how to get motivated? I'd recommend a small dose of arrogant jerk, then a bit of hurt personal pride-. well I became a new person (literally) but what I really ended up discovering was that I had never felt good enough for myself, and that is what had to be changed. I would never be the driven, compelling, secure, silly and somewhat cynical girl I am today without him. This is where I came up with my theory to trust Life, no matter what painful or crazy situation she throws you into, it will be okay, and if your wiling to recognize this, it may even be for the best. I believe things happen for a reason, but sure, sometimes Im not too excited about the situation itself. For instance, my moms cancer, or Johnny not calling back after I confronted him about our kiss (he wasn't too crazy about being reprimanded, all he could say was he didn't understand why it was such a big deal!), or gaining 20 pounds in the last year (not to much fun either)... I wont go on because I'd rather talk about the happy things. I'm much to addicted to laughing to be pessimistic for to long, no matter how much I'd like to dwell in my misery at times.

My mom's cancer got me to stay in the state a month longer, it allowed me to spend halloween with my family. It tested my trust of life, of God (if you believe in that sort of thing) and my fear of death. In the hospital we met with a long lost relative who just happens to be in an awful marital situation, with tears in her eyes and no friends to turn to, and there we were; two smiling faces whom would stand by her no matter what. In the case of Johnny, well hell, at least I got to kiss a gorgeous asian, after a free dinner and coffee. And if we can get through the sticky situation, we'll only come out closer. The 20 pounds, well I was a 108 pounds before I gained the extra bit, and 5'7, so it didn't hurt much, especially since I enjoyed the cookies, ice cream and french toast (which were so helpful with the gaining) so much, and I actually don't mind that I have a butt once again.

That whole orange thing...

Life is quite excellent  at teasing me, and damn it, she keeps tripping me up over my own words. Sometimes I think I have glimpsed some incredible realization, awareness, an epiphany of sorts. I have so many deep questions I want to ask, and for moments I think I'v found some answers but soon enough I forget these new found revelations or I become aware it is what most adults have been trying to get me to understand for years. Oh I get it, I don't have to let everyone around me dictate my mood! That is so profound! Oh so, Life isn't supposed to be fair!

I guess there are just some things that humans must relearn over and over with each generation. Our brains may have developed and our hight increased with the evolution of man, but we still must make our own mistakes, we still need life to hit us over the head with reality before we start to believe it. But I'v come to the conclusion (from all my deep questioning and from all that practice I'v had at living for my 18 years) that experience is the most wonderful thing on earth and may be the reason we are on this maddening planet anyway. If you don't experience you can't understand things at a deeper level or you simply can't understand them at all. Its that whole orange thing, if you have never tasted an orange, no description of an orange's taste can even come close to the pleasure of eating one (if you like oranges that is, if not then use the same metaphor with something else, to each his own), But you get the point. Someone can tell you something directly and clearly but to you they would sound like just another silly adult from the Peanuts comic (incomprehensible).

I can't stop laughing at myself for never failing to think I know so much more then I do, which is nothing. The first step in knowing everything is to first realize that you know nothing. I have no idea what that means, but at one point, in one of those moments of revelation, it had made perfect sense. So there you go, you have to experience it before you understand. "Im so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde.  I think...what I meant was that in order to learn everything, you must first be willing to know nothing (do some cleaning, move all your knowingness out) or else you will not have any place to put the everything you so desperately want to know. Does that make any more sense, who knows.  In fact, I don't have many friends at the moment because I think I have scared away most of my peers with all of my nonsensical talking and musing. Do you believe in fate? Have you ever been suddenly happy for no reason at all, so happy you feel like you might have just fallen in love with Life, the world and everyone in it? The looks I get are enough to make me want to swallow my words and burst out laughing. I feel a bit insane but thats alright I tend to think people are much to sane, much to often.

Oh dear, I am not at all sure what this post is supposed to be about, Im sorry. I'll be sure to be more focused next time, but I have so much in my head sometimes it comes out a bit scattered.

free your inhibitions

Why do we love children so much? Because they are the purest form that humanity takes. Children are beings without any indoctrination. Children are intrinsically happy for no reason but because it is there nature, it is all they know. Suffering is grand because it allows us to experience non suffering as something in reference to another thing, in other words it allows us to be grateful for, and experience truth, beauty and goodness at such a higher lever. But unfortunately we don't only take the good from suffering and leave the bad, most of us take it all, the guilt, the doubt, the anger, the insecurities, the cynicism. We learn to doubt that happiness should be our natural state, we think it must be earned. Yet children who have not yet had the chance to hold on to guilt, doubt, anger, cynicism are the proof and verification that happiness and freedom from all inhibitions is our truest and most beautiful nature. :)    

Inspiration for this post - please watch :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHLywCfnHI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QyxvUmtL40

You know your quite human if...

In my last post, Life said to me don't take yourself so seriously. I like this idea and so I'd like to devote this post to that motto. It is so easy to take ones self serious, in fact we do it all the time. You get mad or frustrated at yourself all the time for things but thats just silly cause your just too human not to make mistakes, big and small ones. Its actually quite arrogant to be hard on yourself for a error. To think that you are are so perfect that you shouldn't do things wrong (or at least things you consider to be wrong). Now thats just kooky! Life says, all those things we do, that seems so wrong or stupid or hurtful, well they are just reminders that you are human, just as much as the next guy. Being human is a trial in itself, but that doesn't mean you cant always try your best but don't expect perfection, just hope for it.

You know your quite human....

 if you have ever lied to make yourself seem cooler

if you promised to only have one bite of pie but finish of the entire piece

if you have ever disliked someone just because you were jealous 

if you have cried over spilt milk

if you ever felt so embarrassed you wanted to melt into the ground as if you never existed

if you ever laughed when you wanted to cry

if you have felt sorry for yourself

if you have  ever wanted something irrational

if you have ever made someone else suffer for another person's actions

if you ever laughed so hard you peed a little in your pants

if you made a mistake and blamed it on someone else not present

if you didn't call someone back, or waited much to long hoping somebody else would call you back

if you judged someone by their appearance 

if you forgot for a few seconds how to spell your own name

if you ever fell for someone you shouldn't have fallen for

if you have blamed God for the world's problems

if you have tripped over your own feet

if you don't understand love

if you have mistaken like or lust for love

if you have mistaken love for hate

if you have traumatized your children in some way or another

if you have played hooky 

if you lied to get out of doing something

 if you have stolen a cookie out of the cookie jar

Can you hear Life laughing

I recently heard a quote "At the end of the day we realize we can endure much more then we ever thought possible" this is so true. Life knows this better then even we do. I have finally grown up enough now to see that suffering is Life's gift. I had always thought that picturing pain as a good thing was just something one said to the young in order to make life seem less awful. But Life is not awful, she, with the help of experience do everything they can to help us grow up. I also love the quote "you know you have grown up only when you are able to laugh at yourself." I asked life if we must always suffer, I asked if evolving always has to be so painful. She said Gad, no my dear, the trials will never cease but your suffering can, if you would all just stop taking Me so seriously. If you would all just stop taking yourself so seriously. If you listen you will hear me laughing with compassion at  the superficial and the grave way you perceive Me. Laugh with Me, and never stop.

I had so many more questions but Life hushed me and said I will tell you more but first I want you to trust me and let my proposal guide you in your trials at hand and then you tell me if I have misspoken. "Are you saying to laugh at my problems, and which problems do you speak of?" I ask Life. Yes Life answered, do not let them make you suffer, and I speak of your mothers cancer, the sadness in your heart you think is caused by Johnny and whatever else you see as a problem. "But aren't they problems?" They are whatever you choose to see them as.

My situation with Johnny, my best friend who had kissed me, bringing up attraction for him I'd forgotten I'd had, the situation ending in him admit it had all been a mistake. I guess it was sort of silly. His actions and words had hurt me but I was much luckier then him. I was the one who got to be kissed and didn't have any regrets. Of course he didn't like me as I liked him but why must we expect something for giving love, love should be free. He must be doubly confused as I, so I should laugh at my selfishness. He is perplexed about how he feels in general and about me, where as I know how I feel about him. If he wants to be a silly boy and let a beautiful, wonderful girl like me get away then so be it. All that matters is that I love me. So I can continue to love him as a friend no matter what he chooses to do. It is freeing.

Colored Sand

I miss being a little kid, so happy, so in the moment, so untroubled. Life has now become much more confusing and sometimes a little aggravating. But life is a good friend of mine and if I look from her perspective, Life has always been loving. The thing is, Life can only see things from the larger perspective and being human (so very much so) I find it hard not to view things from a shallow perspective. She only sees the strength I have gained from each loss. Aren't a few temporary tears worth a permanent confidence and motivation.  Life also knows me very well, better then then I know myself and when I loose view of the grander perspective or loose track of whats honest she bangs me over the head with truth. Recently, after spending more time with my friend, we can call him Johnny (the friend I shouldn't have kissed), I said to Life, "Life, I have no feelings for Johnny other then loving him as a friend, in fact I'm glad we are only friends, very glad!" Life laughed and said oh my dear, don't lie to yourself, that is not the way to resolve your infatuation with this boy, if that is what you desire. But I did not want to listen, instead I stubbornly deny her accusation. But no sooner had I done so did I find myself sitting next to Johnny alone at night engaged in friendly conversation, both of us covertly inching closer to the other on a blanket we had lain out under the stars. It had started out so innocently. I have known Johnny for a long time and many times over the years have had to convince myself that my attraction for him was childish and limited. I only liked him because I felt lonely or because he was so admired by those around me, my feelings were stimulated by wrong reason. Yet now I was lying next to him, my hand on his chest wrapped in his warm fingers and he was implying that he wanted to kiss me. If I was truly happy to be just friends, I had more then enough reasons to stop the interaction. He is not quite out of his failing relationship yet, he is my best friend, and I'm leaving the state in a month, for good. But non of these rational reasons got me to pull away, it was the fact that I didn't know if this was simply a lustful, impulsive desire or if he had deeper feelings for me. But still I wanted to kiss him. "I don't want to do a bad thing." I said. He smiled and told me it wasn't a bad thing. One should never believe a man in throws of lustful impulse but I was easy to convince, to easy. Yet I had to ask one last thing "Do you really like me?" I don't exactly remember what he said, something like "isn't it obvious." Not quite the answer I wanted but I'd take it. I relaxed and he kissed me and kissed me and kissed me... He took me like a bottle of colored sand and shook me. I hadn't been able to decide what I really felt about Johnny so I layered my different emotion (attraction, disdain, admiration, detachment, friendliness) in side me, like layers of different colored sand in a bottle. I had organized the sand so carefully, putting the safest feelings on the surface, covering up the ones I didn't want to feel. I forgot all reason, I was floating in a happy, silly, little bubble; a Johnny bubble. All my colored sand jumbling up together into one big mess. After some time he began to emotionally pull away then he asked if I needed to be home soon. It was 2am but still I said "No." I told him foolishly "I don't ever want to leave. Can't we just stay here forever?" But then I had to ask "Do you need to go home?" He said yes. I was shocked and my heart started to sink, and I felt immensely foolish. He said he had a family matter and I didn't know whether I should believe him or not. My happy bubble now in danger of popping. He took me home and despite myself I hoped to hear from him the next day, but he didn't call, nor did he the next day nor the next. When I finally did see him again he asserted that the kiss had been a mistake. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to cry but he was right, not that it was a mistake but that it wasn't rational and shouldn't be repeated. I had also been the very one who had encouraged him to decomplicate his life and experience himself unshackled by a woman, and I had meant it. Most importantly I love Johnny I don't want to lose his friendship. So I  could do nothing but nod and secretly cry out to Life "okay so you made your point but what good is it now?" All my colored sand has become horrifyingly muddled and confused. And now because of my curse I will surely be getting sick soon!! (As a did a few days later) But even in my anger toward Life she answered with love, don't worry, good will come.

staff must wash hands

I was in the bathroom of Borders the other day when I noticed a sign on the wall near the sink. The sign read Staff must wash hands. Now the implications of this sign really bother me. Firstly it bothers me a great deal that any staff members, potentially stationed in the cafe, needs a reminder to wash their hands after using the bathroom! I mean really, how hard is it to remember to wash ones hands, you can't be that lazy... Well I guess we are in America and the inventor of the automatic sink turner on sensor thingy obviously thought we, Americans were to lazy to turn on our own faucets, but on a side note I honestly feel that all the waving one must do in order to get the thing to actually turn on seems like a lot more work then turning a nob. Anyway, secondly this sign also causes me to beg why hand washing is only demanded of the staff...I personally feel a bit disturbed that whomever felt it was necessary to put up that sign didn't feel the message was important enough to include everyone in its request, how about everyone wash your hands? What is this world coming to? We can't turn faucet nobs and we need signs to tell us to keep sanitary. I am over reacting a little, I know. Other then that I'm quite in love with Borders. A borders near us just closed and it had an interesting effect. I visited this Borders at the end of its life and in it's bathroom the walls were covered with mournful graffiti. we love you borders, we will miss you. Its closing was like a symbolic remind of pleasure reading's slow demise. In some ways the future does scare me, because I see us universally losing some of our humanity and personality. Technological evolution is important but so is social evolution. We are losing our imagination quicker, why read when you can watch...We are less inclined to personal contact, we text, we get inline for the self check out, we sacrifice relationships for more money or time. We are obsessed with time and the future; one can't stop to enjoy the moment because one doesn't have time! But I must ask WHY? 

spilt milk

I cant quite grasp life. Every time I think I'v got a handle on it, it slips right out of my fingers. I picture a grocery bag  filled with different happenings and situations. One to many and the bag rips, spilling the contents all over the tiled floor. eggs break and milk spills, and sometimes you can't help but to cry over it. But you can always count on life to surprise you! I'm experiencing new things every day, can't say I would have wished for them but they bring humility and understanding. Just recently I found out my mother had cancer, and she laughed when she told me "so darling, its cancer." I also kissed my best friend, we both agree that it was not for the best, he's just out of a relationship and he's my best friend, yet I selfishly and immaturely want more from him. I told him the other day I was upset with his "it was a mistake" reaction, even though I had agreed with the statement earlier. I don't know what I feel & now I am afraid I have made more of a mess in our friendship. He has me so befuddled (oh but what a great word). The latter problem is not so much unprecedented for a teen but it's new to me and at a rather horrid time. Yet on the upside that experience gave me a chance to use the word befuddled and allows me to question myself and my feelings for him. Oh and I forgot to mention I am quite sure a 25 year old virgin boy I care a lot about, in somewhat of a sisterly way, is falling in love with me. Now that one is quite surprising indeed, surprising I was even able to find a 25 yearold virgin.
So now all I'v got to do is pick up the groceries, put them carefully back in the bag, and mop up the mess.

skivvies alert

I saw an old man in costco the other day, quite past his prime, advanced in years, antique. This old man was standing or wobbling near the king-size bagel crisps and kettle chips, lightly salted. He was in his underwear struggling feebly to get some pants on. As I walked pasted and caught a glimpse of his tidy whities and hairy white legs, startled I ask "is that lawful?" At my words my mother turns to look at the old man. "ooop!" she says turning away quickly. I laugh. Then she laughs asking "what is he doing" then in a whisper she inquires whether I think he had just decided to get some fresh air or if he was trying on some pants. "I hope the latter" I reply. Costco should really get some dressing rooms. Life is so strange and painfully comical. Usually we don't see it that way but it seems to me that the universe is constantly teasing us. So why not just laugh along, cause the universe surely is.
I will, fortunately for you save the  strange and painfully comical intimate details of my life for my next post. Except I shall share with you that I am cursed. Boys make me sick. If I kiss any boy I am doomed to catch a cold in the very near future.